Discouraged...

I haven't posted anything here in ages, and likely no one ever reads it anymore - not that anyone ever read it in the first place...

 But tonight I needed to vent, I need to get this out of my head and down on "paper" ... Last weekend we met with our amazing photographer so we could get some more pictures of our beautiful girl. The session went really, really well and we got some really beautiful shots of our baby... we also got some really great family photos. All good right? Well, yes, it was good. But I am so, so, so discouraged. I am so, so big. I look terrible - in my opinion anyway. I don't want to shy away from the camera, because, well, this is my family, these are our memories and I want to be included in them...but man, it is such an eye opener to see yourself from the eye of the camera lens - it is so unforgiving. It's also very honest - I kinda wish it wasn't so damn honest. I feel wretched.

I have struggled with my weight - my - entire - life. I worked my ass off, literally, to lose weight several years ago and I had some great success. But that was before marriage and a baby and well, life. Back when I was on my own and had time - lots of time - on my hands and no one to worry about but myself. Now, life is different. And the urge to be lazy in my down time is overwhelming. The really, really scary thing... my dad is huge and I mean HUGE. And with that comes so many health problems. And I don't want that to be me. I'm terrified that will be me.

I have laid down the law on myself in the past - said, enough is enough - and promised myself I was going to make some changes, I am going to lose this weight...but damnit...my will power and determination have gone out the window...and I need to get them back. I HAVE to do something about this weight. It is out - of - control. It's time to turn over a new leaf...I need to start making smarter choices, work on my portion control and get my ass to the gym and really start "Bringing it" so to speak. Ugh. So much easier said than done.

Maybe if I journal my thoughts, my pitfalls, my failures and successes and all that jazz that will help. I've never been very good at being consistent at that (case and point, this is the first post in YEARS). But I'm hopeful...and I have to do something. Lord help me, I have to do something.