A Christmas Letter

I don’t normally send Christmas cards or write Christmas letters or generally keep everyone up to date on the comings and goings of my life from year to date…but, I thought since the beginning of this year opened a new and improved chapter in my life that I might give this a shot too.

The year started out a little rocky, but not too long into it I was given a rare gift, not given to many people it seems. I was given a second chance. A very dear friend of mine and I had been at odds since about half way through the previous year, but with the beginning of the new year came a new outlook on life, love, and friendships. I was blessed with a life that has treated me well, the love of my family and friends and best of all, I was blessed with a wonderful friend who found a place in her heart just for me. It was a wonderful gift and I will cherish her forever.

Among rekindled friendships the year also brought with it a desire to really kick up my fitness routine. I met a wonderful woman, Kristin, who has been part and parcel to my success! She’s a personal trainer and certified nutritionist and I have drawn on her many times in my battle with my weight. I met Kristin at the end of the year in 2008. I began working with her on a personal basis at the beginning of 2009. Since meeting Kristin and working with her on my weight loss, I have dropped 3 more sizes, have increased my strength and endurance and I’ve been toying with running from time to time. I take a fitness class twice a week, instructed by Kristin, and I enjoy every minute of it! I’ve become kind of sick and twisted about it too…just this last Friday when Kristin came to my house for a training session I found myself smiling and laughing about how difficult a particular move was. It’s amazing what a new perspective can do for your ability to challenge yourself, set and reach new goals and really improve your overall outlook on life. I’m still working on my weight loss and watching my weight will be a never ending struggle, but thanks to Kristin and all her help and extra motivation, I now have the tools to continue to be a success.

The rest of the year flowed smoothly. I made several trips to Reno to visit my family and back home again. I spent time with friends near and dear to me but I also spent a lot of time on my own, really taking a good look at my life. And for the first time since I can remember, I was really, really happy; with my life, with myself, with my goals and where I saw the road leading me. The only thing missing from my life was someone to love.

In August of this year, I met a wonderful man. One I had started to believe didn’t exist or had mistakenly married some other broad and had yet to realize the error of his ways and come groveling at my feet begging for me to make his life complete! Ha-ha! Though I make a joke of it, it is indeed true. I found a man who is as feisty as I and as loving and caring and completely wonderful. Scott and I met in August just days before my birthday. We met jogging of all things! Scott is friends with my best friend Melissa and she invited him to join us one evening we went jogging. I remember I was standing on the corner stretching while Melissa gave directions to a lost motorist. This man and his dog came walking up to me, stuck his hand out and said, ‘you must be Heather’. And that was it! We spent the next week talking via Facebook and text messages and then Scott came and hung out with Melissa and me that weekend. By Sunday night we’d had our first date and by my birthday he’d met my family – which luckily didn’t send him running for the hills – and we’ve been inseparable ever since! By November we had moved in together and by Thanksgiving we were engaged! Yes, it’s true, the terminally single Heather is going to get married…shocker! We haven’t set a date yet as there are some wrinkles which need to be ironed out, but we will set a date soon and let you all in on the secret! Scott has been such a blessing in my life and together we are learning to live, love, and laugh and I thank God for him.

In September I joined the Harlen Miller Chorale (formerly the Norman Skeeles Chorale). It has been such fun getting to know everyone, learning new music, and actually getting to perform! I have always loved to sing and had been in choirs throughout my school years. I had missed it so much, so when Melissa told me I should join, I jumped at the chance! It’s been great fun and it’s been such an added blessing in my life!

This year has indeed proved to be a wonderful one and I can’t wait to see what 2010 has in store!!

Merry Christmas and God Bless.

With all the love in my heart!

Heather

I am not strong, nor am I brave and I have failed...this time. A person can only put their mind and body through so much before it breaks. It's important to know ones limits. I have for the time being, left this project in self improvement to be still and lye away from me. In the end it turned out to be too much for my mind and body to take. Withdrawals alone were simple, but the mind, the mind is a terrible thing. Adjustments, it's all about adjustments. Adjustments greater than my mind could deal with together. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't find relief, all I could do was cry. My sanity still wavers and walks a thin line between shattering at my feet and finding itself whole again. Only time will tell where I go from here. But this project is not finished and I will be back to complete my task and perhaps next time, I will prevail. One can say, I will do this, I can do this, over and over again, but sometimes mind isn't over matter and sometimes it's that one tiny little thing that can make you or break you. I don't want to be broken. But I'll come back to you, oh project of mine...but for now, be still and leave me in peace.

I Quit! ...And two makes five!

So I managed to make it through the weekend! Wow! The weekend wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. We moved last weekend and so this weekend was spent, unpacking, arranging and hanging and sweeping cleaning...so needless to stay I stayed very busy! Thank you to my wonderful family and friends...we got so much done these last two days. And even though there were some smokers in my presence they were wonderful about being discrete and to my surprise, it didn't bother me all that much that I couldn't go out and join them. Of course the fact that it was chilly aided in that comfort level, it was MUCH warmer indoors! ;) ... But I'm happy to say there are five smiley faces on my November "Quit" calendar...and I will be adding more in the days to come. Such a difficult journey for me. But I'll make it! Thanks to everybody for your help, love and support!

Love to you guys and God Bless! ;)

I Quit! The Journey Continues...

Day 3 

So today is yet another new day...I'm not feeling too bad today. I'm a little tired, and I've been struggling with my grumpiness. But I'm not feeling too bad. I still want a cigarette of course, but ... well, they tell me that may never go away, the cravings will be fewer and far between but will likely never go completely away...**sigh** oh well, it's something I'm going to have to live with. 

So I went to the chiropractor this morning. I always have trouble with my back but I'd been having some trouble with my ankle as well so I had him look at it when I went in this morning. Turns out I have tendonitis in my ankle! ha! Yet another thing I'll have to deal with...but such is life right? 

On the subject of smokers quitting smoking I've heard people say, 'I want to quit but the timing isn't right, I'm too stressed out right now.' ... but let's be honest...the timing will never be right. There will always be something that stresses us out. There will always be problems that though a cigarette will makes us think we feel better, it's just another problem lying in wait. So...quitting smoking is about learning to deal with those problems, face them head on WITHOUT smoking! Oh yes, a hard lesson...but the lesson is in the journey and I WILL MAKE IT! Oh yes I will. 

Tomorrow is yet another day! ;) woot! 

God Bless everybody...and Me.

I Quit! The Journey Continues...

Day 2:

Well it's about 20 after 10:oo in the morning and so far I'm doing pretty well! What a difference a day makes. Attitude helps of course, but waking up well rested and at my normal time did wonders. I had heard (and it says on the box) that people can have vivid dreams while wearing the patch at night, so I took mine off before bed; but I still had a some dreams ... not bad dreams, but not good either. I woke up at 3:30am to use the potty -- all the water!!! -- and after I went back to bed, I didn't dream anymore.

So today is much, much better. I'm noticing cravings more today than I did yesterday, but I'm not the emotional wreck I was yesterday; and I'm able to concentrate better today. So...today is indeed another day, and so much better than yesterday.

I'll keep ya posted! :)

I Quit! ~ A journey in strength ~

Today I'm 31 and some months old...and for the last 13 years or so I've been an on and off smoker...It's shocking to see in print that I've been doing this horrible thing to my body, mind and spirit for thirteen years. When it all first began, I thought, well, I'm not going to smoke forever. I'll smoke for a little while and then I'll quit. It can't be that hard. But it is hard, it is SO hard. Over the years I have tried to quit several times. I have tried cold turkey, I've tried quitting with the support of a group of my pears in the form of a Freedom from Smoking Class. The times I took the classes I was the most successful, and once I quit for 8 whole months. Why on earth I started again, I couldn't tell you. But...I've made the tough decision to quit again and this time I intend to stay quit...forever.

It's a hard decision to make, a cigarette, after all, is your friend, right? It's hard to remember how to not smoke. I've smoked for close to half my life! HALF my life! That's crazy! But there are so many reasons why, no matter how tough it is, quitting is the right decision. The health risks alone are staggering, but health risks aside there are a few other reason more specific to me that I have to consider. A quick run down are these; I hate the way smoking makes me smell. I hate that after I've had a cigarette I can no longer smell my perfume. I hate that it makes my hair smell and my clothes smell and my breath smell! It's horrible. Cigarette smoke does NOT smell good. It's horrible and it's disgusting. I hate how much it costs, trivial I know, but it's 5 or 6 dollars a pack, depending on where you buy them, and then if you smoke a half to a full pack a day, you multiply that by a week, then a month, then a year! Holy cow! You might as well be throwing your money down the toilet! The fact that in 20 or 30 more years I could have the skin of a smoker and the voice of a smoker...no thank you! I don't want to look like an 80 year old woman and sound like a man when I'm 50. Some other reasons are these...I joined a choir awhile back and lets just say, smoking does NOT enhance my ability to sing well; I have back problems, severe back problems, and smoking can aggravate back pain; I also have asthma, need I say more? So many reasons to quit and so many reasons to stay quit. Why did I start smoking again?

I'm writing this blog to save my sanity. This not smoking thing is wreaking havoc on my emotional stability. But...it's all worth it. And I will quit and stay quit. In this blog I will be cataloging each day and how I'm doing. I hope that you will read it, share your comments and most of all, NEVER start smoking...because quitting, is the hardest thing you'll have have to do. But I look forward to calling myself a NON - SMOKER!!


Day 1:
I woke up this morning pissed off! Why? Because I knew I couldn't smoke today. Normally I wouldn't have my first cigarette until late morning, and normally I never wanted one. But this morning, mainly because I knew I couldn't have one, I really, really wanted one and I was angry about...everything. We just moved and the house is in shambles, but even that isn't so bad, what pissed me off this morning was the cat. The cat who seems to have trouble adjusting. He woke me up at 530 in the morning yowling! And he was inconsolable and I was forced to wake before I needed to. So up I get at 530, I ate some breakfast and poured a cup of coffee, then went to get ready to head to my exercise class, which starts at 630, the whole time listening to the yowling cat who I had the urge to kick across the room (don't worry, I didn't kick him) ... I get ready to go, get in my car and head down the street and realize I left my coffee sitting on the counter...and no time to go back! Damnit! ... So now I am even more pissed off. When I get to my destination some ding dong parks his big ass truck in the drive in part of the parking lot, blocking a good chunk of the entrance - to top that off, the passenger opens his door, damn near right into my car! I holler a few well versed expletives at him as I drive by and find my way to a parking space. Once inside my Mother, who takes the class with me, decides its funny to make fun of me for my foul mood...nearly in tears I ask her to please not make fun of me...and all of this before 630 in the morning! Is this an indication of how my day will go? Oh joy.
...At work now, feeling less angry but still emotionally unstable. I've cried about four times today and it's not even noon! ... I'm wearing the patch, something I've never tried before, and I don't think it's working. Or maybe it is. I'm not getting a craving for a smoke, but I'm an effin emotional mess! ... I think for me, the hardest part is dealing with the emotional addiction. That is not going to be easy. And these patches? The adhesive is making me itch and I may not be able to continue wearing it...oh the day just keeps getting better and better... But for now, at least, I don't feel like crying...but I do feel like another cup of coffee...though I should really switch to water...yeah, we'll see how well THAT goes!
...
Anyway, wish me luck...lots and lots of luck...and for those of you who pray? ... Could you say some prayers for me? I'd love to get through this day without ripping anyone's face off or having any homicidal tendancies...yeah, being semi-normal, would be nice!

I'll keep you updated...tomorrow is another day. God Bless You ... and Me.

Sometimes you just have to ask why...

Why pretend one thing when you feel something else? I truly don't understand that. I guess that's life though. People do things to be polite, I guess I'm the exception...normally I'm not that kind. If I don't give two shakes about you, or if I don't want to have anything to do with you, or if I really just hate your guts and think you're the demon's spawn and should go back from whence you came...well I pretty much will just let you know and that will be that. I hate passive aggressive, and I really hate...hey I'll be nice to your face, but I really can't stand you...oh yeah...I really, really hate that. Ugh.

Is amused...

That you think I don't know...but I do! Ha!

I'd just like to know why...

When things hurt do they linger? Its far easier to get over being angry or frustrated or annoyed than it is to get over or to get past something that has hurt you. Being hurt sucks, because not only are you hurt, but nine times out of ten you're also angry and frustrated. It's the balls I say! I hate wondering all the time, constantly second guessing. Did I do the right thing? Did I do what was best for me? And even though I know the answer is yes, it still lingers. How different would my life be right now? Would I be the same person I am right now? I know the answer to that too, but why is it that when things hurt us, it's so hard to let them just go? Our minds seem to dwell, always looking back. And every time we look back, we still feel that same loss, that same heartache, and what makes it even worse is when that heartache and loss came upon needlessly. But for me, what's even worse than that, is knowing there are those out there who blame...me. But I am not the one to blame, or at least, I am not the one to bear the blame on my shoulders alone. It should be shared, but it is not. It should be fair, but it is not. I wish I could just rewind the tape and just rewrite over that time in my life, record a new memory and forget about the old painful ones. That's the hardest part, because that can never happen and my memory is all too clear.

Weekend Events…

I had the pleasure of being the recipient of a set of two free tickets to Willie Nelson’s Friday night performance at the Fillmore in San Francisco. I had to decide who I would take with me and there were only two people I thought of, one being my Sister and the other my Mom. My Sister and I grew up listening to country artists like Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings and the like, so it was only natural that I’d ask her to join me. Unfortunately she was unable to attend so the next obvious choice was my Mom. So this last Friday night we left work a little early and headed off to “The City”. Much to our surprise the Friday night traffic wasn’t bad at all and we arrived at our destination about 45 minutes before the show started. They had just opened the doors 15 minutes prior and when we entered the building we discovered it was next to empty, only a few small groups of people milling about. We walked in and walked right up to the stage, or rather as close as we could get, which ended up being only about six feet away! And there we stayed until the show started.

Willie’s son Lucas opened up for him and though his style was very, shall we say, different and not to the liking of my Mother or some others standing close to us, I really did enjoy it. Then it was time for Willie to take the stage. Within seconds we went from standing about with a little room to move, to being crammed in there like sardines! But what a wonderful show! The only drawback was that I, who does not partake of the green bud, was the unlucky recipient of a contact high! There were about three sets of folks partaking and for some unknown reason all the smoke they exhaled came right in my direction!!! I kept getting light headed and nearly choked to death a few times! Haha…but the concert was wonderful and Willie smiled and pointed at people and was just such a good showman! He even smiled at me and then smiled and pointed at my Mom!!! It was so cool! Unfortunately I wasn’t able to get any good pictures with my phone…even though we were so close the glare was so much that it was hard to get a good pic…but here’s one of the better ones! What fun!!!








On Saturday I went for a bike ride with a friend and her daughter. We stopped for a picnic lunch and were having a wonderful time. I was riding on ahead of the girls, listening to my Elvis on my iPod and really have a great time. There’s something about the wind in one’s face that is just so splendidly blissful! At least until I hit a patch of those stupid prickly seed pods (they fall out of trees…maple or evergreen or something). I hit those stupid seed pods and it was like hitting a patch of marbles. The front tire jerked to the left and stopped abruptly! I think I attempted to hop off the bike before it went completely down, but it happened so fast I didn’t have time and I came down hard on my left knee, then smashed down on my hands and rolled twice. It all happened so fast I don’t really remember anything except falling and thinking “I’m glad I wore my helmet” as my head hit the ground. My girlfriend filled in the blanks for me. It was crazy! As soon as I stopped rolling, I sat up to assess the damage and remember being pissed off that I’d put a hole in my pants! Upon further investigation I discovered I had some massive road rash on my knee and it had swelled up to the size of a golf ball. (It didn’t turn black and blue until several hours later!)…Anyway, we picked up the bike and I got back on it and rode another half mile or so to my other girlfriends house where I rested until my friend could come back with the car! What a mess! Fortunately there was no serious damage done. I have bruises everywhere and a very bruised and scraped up knee, but I’m okay. I do have to keep ice on my knee as the swelling still hasn’t gone completely away and it still pains me…four days later! **sigh** ah well…I suppose that’s the risk you take when you get on a bike…you ride long enough and you’ll probably fall off one of these days! Haha…I guess Saturday was my day!






7 hours old...







3 days old...

Gawd! How depressing...

I just took note of some or rather most of my latest, okay just about all my blogs...good grief! Could I get any more maudlin or dreary??? Let's face it, anything is possible, but for craps sake! I'm just sick to death of being dark and dreary and "Dear God, there's a storm cloud on my every horizon"... So I've decided...there will be no more of that. Though in all fairness to myself and to my readers (should I have any), there may yet be a joyless, dismal blog or two left in me which may rear it's ugly head from time to time, but from here on out I shall try to mention the infinitely more interesting and buoyant blogging rather than the distressful and discouraging.

Anyway, to each and all...I hope your holidays were kind...I am a believer that Christmas should be canceled, but in that I think I must be the minority, because for some reason it endures...ugh...

New Year on the other hand is just an excuse to party...and who doesn't like an excuse to kick up their heals, let down their hair, drink far too much and do something incredibly stupid!?! **sigh**

My New Year was quiet and well spent...a stark difference from the two years prior...

But whether you enjoy Christmas and party like the rock star you are on New Years or you're more like me and piss away Christmas and sleep through New Years, may this new year bring you peace and joy and all that fun stuff I usually feel like beating the crap outta people for flaunting!!

God Bless everyone!