I Quit! ~ A journey in strength ~

Today I'm 31 and some months old...and for the last 13 years or so I've been an on and off smoker...It's shocking to see in print that I've been doing this horrible thing to my body, mind and spirit for thirteen years. When it all first began, I thought, well, I'm not going to smoke forever. I'll smoke for a little while and then I'll quit. It can't be that hard. But it is hard, it is SO hard. Over the years I have tried to quit several times. I have tried cold turkey, I've tried quitting with the support of a group of my pears in the form of a Freedom from Smoking Class. The times I took the classes I was the most successful, and once I quit for 8 whole months. Why on earth I started again, I couldn't tell you. But...I've made the tough decision to quit again and this time I intend to stay quit...forever.

It's a hard decision to make, a cigarette, after all, is your friend, right? It's hard to remember how to not smoke. I've smoked for close to half my life! HALF my life! That's crazy! But there are so many reasons why, no matter how tough it is, quitting is the right decision. The health risks alone are staggering, but health risks aside there are a few other reason more specific to me that I have to consider. A quick run down are these; I hate the way smoking makes me smell. I hate that after I've had a cigarette I can no longer smell my perfume. I hate that it makes my hair smell and my clothes smell and my breath smell! It's horrible. Cigarette smoke does NOT smell good. It's horrible and it's disgusting. I hate how much it costs, trivial I know, but it's 5 or 6 dollars a pack, depending on where you buy them, and then if you smoke a half to a full pack a day, you multiply that by a week, then a month, then a year! Holy cow! You might as well be throwing your money down the toilet! The fact that in 20 or 30 more years I could have the skin of a smoker and the voice of a smoker...no thank you! I don't want to look like an 80 year old woman and sound like a man when I'm 50. Some other reasons are these...I joined a choir awhile back and lets just say, smoking does NOT enhance my ability to sing well; I have back problems, severe back problems, and smoking can aggravate back pain; I also have asthma, need I say more? So many reasons to quit and so many reasons to stay quit. Why did I start smoking again?

I'm writing this blog to save my sanity. This not smoking thing is wreaking havoc on my emotional stability. But...it's all worth it. And I will quit and stay quit. In this blog I will be cataloging each day and how I'm doing. I hope that you will read it, share your comments and most of all, NEVER start smoking...because quitting, is the hardest thing you'll have have to do. But I look forward to calling myself a NON - SMOKER!!


Day 1:
I woke up this morning pissed off! Why? Because I knew I couldn't smoke today. Normally I wouldn't have my first cigarette until late morning, and normally I never wanted one. But this morning, mainly because I knew I couldn't have one, I really, really wanted one and I was angry about...everything. We just moved and the house is in shambles, but even that isn't so bad, what pissed me off this morning was the cat. The cat who seems to have trouble adjusting. He woke me up at 530 in the morning yowling! And he was inconsolable and I was forced to wake before I needed to. So up I get at 530, I ate some breakfast and poured a cup of coffee, then went to get ready to head to my exercise class, which starts at 630, the whole time listening to the yowling cat who I had the urge to kick across the room (don't worry, I didn't kick him) ... I get ready to go, get in my car and head down the street and realize I left my coffee sitting on the counter...and no time to go back! Damnit! ... So now I am even more pissed off. When I get to my destination some ding dong parks his big ass truck in the drive in part of the parking lot, blocking a good chunk of the entrance - to top that off, the passenger opens his door, damn near right into my car! I holler a few well versed expletives at him as I drive by and find my way to a parking space. Once inside my Mother, who takes the class with me, decides its funny to make fun of me for my foul mood...nearly in tears I ask her to please not make fun of me...and all of this before 630 in the morning! Is this an indication of how my day will go? Oh joy.
...At work now, feeling less angry but still emotionally unstable. I've cried about four times today and it's not even noon! ... I'm wearing the patch, something I've never tried before, and I don't think it's working. Or maybe it is. I'm not getting a craving for a smoke, but I'm an effin emotional mess! ... I think for me, the hardest part is dealing with the emotional addiction. That is not going to be easy. And these patches? The adhesive is making me itch and I may not be able to continue wearing it...oh the day just keeps getting better and better... But for now, at least, I don't feel like crying...but I do feel like another cup of coffee...though I should really switch to water...yeah, we'll see how well THAT goes!
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Anyway, wish me luck...lots and lots of luck...and for those of you who pray? ... Could you say some prayers for me? I'd love to get through this day without ripping anyone's face off or having any homicidal tendancies...yeah, being semi-normal, would be nice!

I'll keep you updated...tomorrow is another day. God Bless You ... and Me.