Today it does...

I know it shouldn't matter, someday it won't, but today...today it does.

I want...

I want to be able to look at you and not feel so hurt...

Mouth Breather~

So as I do every morning, I woke up at the ass crack of dawn and hauled my sleepy ass to the gym. This is a routine to which I've grown accustom. I actually enjoy my time in the gym and find it rather exhilarating, what I do not find exhilarating, however is the foul stench that assaulted my nostrils this morning.

As soon as I walked into the gym I was hit with a wall of stench that can only be described as massively bad breath. Seriously folks, that's what it smelled like! Like every sweaty person in the gym this morning had a horrendous case of halitosis and insisted on mouth breathing and stanking up the joint!! So naturally to avoid nearly yarking due to the mal-oder in the joint I too was forced to mouth breath...GROSS! Which is the greater evil, tasting the bad breath or smelling it??? I'm not really sure, both options are pretty atrocious! Ack!

Oh but wait, it gets better...

Once I'd finished up my routine I headed down to the cardio room to walk for a few minutes on the treadmill...I chose the far one on the end and went about my business...As I'm listening to my lovely iPod tunes and reading from my newest of novels and enjoying my brisk walk I hear from the other end of the treadmill row the grotesque sound of someone hacking up a loogie and my dumb ass, as I make a most disgusted face, turns to look just in time to see said gym gower spit the nasty swill into his sweat rag!!! Had I eaten breakfast I would have lost it at that point...gratefully he only did it another two or three thousand times while I was there...ack! Sooooooo nasty!!!

Oh but wait...it gets even BETTER...

Once I'd completed my time on the treadmill I walked over to grab a rag to wipe down the machine...proper gym etiquette dictates that you wipe your nasty, drippy sweat off the machine you've just gotten all slimy and gross...I can't tell you how many people DO NOT do this...which is why Heather wipes down the machines before AND after her work out...but that is just a side note ... and the real kicker is this...as I walked over to get a rag and disinfectant I was forced to walk directly behind, likes to hock big nasty spit balls guy, and what do you know??? Yes, you guessed it...I was once again pummelled by the nastiest case of malodorous disgustingness ... I swear to you it smelled like this guy had shit his pants and just kept on going!! Oh...man, once again, it was all I could do not to gag and vomit! Icky Von Stinky didn't seem to notice or care that he was rank as fuck...unfortunately, I did notice. ACK!

A Challenging Evening...

So last night was a particularly challenging evening for me. Things started off okay, a busy day at work, then breaking at noon to enjoy our Christmas get together...but then I headed off for my therapy appointment ~ yes that's right I'm in therapy, but I don't think it's anything for which I should be ashamed so I freely let you know, yes, Heather's getting some professional help for her messed up mind ~ ha-ha... but last night was a particularly rough session. I talked about some things I had been avoiding facing and I cried a lot. It was rough.



When I got out to my car and turned my cell back on and listened to the message my mother left me I was filled with a sense of dread. She was mad and she left a message on my cell phone about it!? Did I call her back? No, no I didn't. It had already been a rough evening and I was soon to be facing more troubles so the last thing I needed was for my Mother to yell at me. Of course not calling her back probably pissed her off even more, but it was not something I had the energy to worry about or deal with, so I ignored it. **sigh**



Then it was off to take my coughing cat to the vet. I was really worried that it might be something really bad and I was a bit scared :( Turns out the poor guy has a bronchial allergy, well, they think it's an allergy and not an infection. But as the vet was explaining things to me and telling me what he thought should be done first and what not I started to cry, this was my baby we were talking about. The vet was concerned that if we gave him something for an allergic asthmatic situation without first checking his heart to make sure it's not enlarged (an enlarged heart can also cause coughing), there could be some serious problems. If he did indeed have an enlarged heart and we didn't know it, giving him these drugs could actually kill him. So I started to cry and agreed to having x-rays done. Much to my relief his heart looked good but we could see on the x-rays that he had a bronchial issue (little white flecks -- inflamation-- in the bronchials) ... so the doc put him on Prednisone and an antibiotic just in case it was an infection and not an allergic reaction. He told me to get a humidifier which should really help. So now I have to administer a liquid antibiotic and a pill form anti-inflamitory to my poor cat. Let me just tell you, he DOES NOT like taking his medicine. He clawed the crap out of me this morning when I gave him the liquid antibiotics. The pill form Prednisone he took much easier, but he started running away from me after that and I'm going to have scars from this mornings episode...



Ahh the price you pay when you have "children" ... **sigh** But I love them (I have two) and I'm so grateful it was nothing too serious and that even though he may have to be on meds for the rest of his life, he's feeling better and not coughing as much and that he's going to be okay. Yay. :)

We Carry On

Every now and then a song comes along that has special meaning to me. They come at particularly difficult times or splendidly happy times, but they always mean something. Every song carries a message and it's up to the listener to hear what that message is. And it will be different for everyone, each person will take to heart that one lyric in their own way. A song can make you cry, a song can make you strong, a song can break your heart. I've had this song in my repertoire for some time, but just today I actually listened to the words and I thought I'd share them with you. I've been going through a particularly rough time in my life, learning to deal with the blows and move on. We were built to survive even the darkest of storms and I was reminded today that no matter what I am going through I can survive it, and things will get better...I will carry on.






We Carry On ~ Tim McGraw






He hasn't seen a drop of rain for months it seems
Rollin' river is nothing but a trickling stream
The crops are dying in the harsh sunlight
The dust on his tongue is dry
The fatted calf is down to skin and bones
We carry on

Alone in the city and she's only seventeen
The boy left her black and blue in the street so mean
Just twelve weeks along and she's got a life inside
Says she's never ever felt so alone
She walks in the shelter, they say "welcome home"

And we carry on
When our lives come undone
We carry on
Cause there's promise in the morning sun
We carry on
As the dark surrenders to the dawn
We were born to overcome
We carry on

Beyond the picket fences and the oil wells
The happy endings and the fairy tales
Is the reality of shattered lives and broken dreams
We carry on

It's the family that grieves for a lost loved one
It's the soldier who won't leave til the job is done
It's the addict trying to turn his life around
It's picking yourself up off the ground when you've been knocked down

And we carry on
When our lives come undone
We carry on
Cause there's promise in the morning sun
We carry on
As the dark surrenders to the dawn
We were born to overcome

We carry on
When our lives come undone
We carry on
Cause there's promise in the morning sun
We carry on
As the dark surrenders to the dawn
We were born to overcome
We carry on

He stands in the field, cooled by the winds of change
She smiles as her baby moves and it starts to rain

I am angry

I have been so angry for so long and I'm so, so, so sick of it. But at the same time I think I have a right to be angered by the events of my life. Some were beyond my control and some took their form as a result of decisions I made. But it's more than just being angered, I'm hurt and I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to care about any of this anymore. I want to be able to wash my hands of it and walk away. But that is easier said than done. How does one walk away from thoughts that plague ones mind? It's impossible to pick up and walk away from oneself.

I am angry at myself, yes, but more than that I'm angry with you and you know who you are. I am angry with you because you were wrong! I'm not angry with you for the mistakes you made, everyone makes mistakes, everyone causes pain. I'm angry with you for the way you handled it, or rather didn't handle it. I'm angry with you for making me feel guilty for being honest. Yes I made mistakes, I made a lot of them, but who is the bigger devil here? Me for my mistake in telling the truth or you in your mistake for telling the lie? Perhaps I should have hidden the truth from everyone, but is that not a lie in and of itself? Secrets. Yes, secrets are part of human nature, but secrets as big as these are tantamount to lying and that is something in which I do not believe and cannot stomach. You broke my heart and you didn't seem to care. Or maybe it was that you didn't see what you were doing, maybe you didn't see how your lies effected my life. But then am I being selfish? Perhaps so. But I have a right to believe that my friend, you, were being truthful with me. Do I not? No, not a right, an obligation. How can one call oneself a friend if one is always suspicious of another friend? That's not a friendship. So I believe, I believe with all that I am. I give, I give all that I am. And you take, you take all that I have. And then in the end when there's nothing left to take you throw it all back in my face. Yes, I said some terrible things to you and you likewise. But were those terrible things based in reality or fiction? It's hard to know from where things stem when one is angry and hurting. I suppose I should have handled things so differently. So, so differently. But I am a passionate person and like a spark to a flame, my temper was ignited. It is far easier to be angry and lash out violently than to admit hurt and pain. Because to admit to a broken heart is to admit defeat. And who among us wishes to be defeated?

As I write this I find myself, even still, lost for an explanation, for some way to make sense of it all. All I know is, it happened and there is no going back. Can these wounds be mended? Perhaps. Perhaps not. That is a question for which I do not have an answer. The only thing I know is something was broken and I've yet to find all the pieces and how can one mend, when one is missing a piece...of their heart, their soul, their life. Something is missing and I am angry...and so very lost.

A truly kind heart...

It always amazes me the hearts of men, some are cruel, deceitful and mean, while others are caring, giving and truly, truly kind. So much of the time we as humans actually seem to take some enjoyment out of the failures of others. 'Ha! I'm better than he, just look at him!' 'Look at the mistake that person made, boy what a doozy!' And so much of the time we measure the weight of our own successes on the failures of others. Too many times we point fingers and gossip and throw insults and blame at one another. Too many times we laugh in the face of someone else's misery. Or perhaps even worse yet we are immune to it. We don't even see what's happening right in front of us. I think as human beings we all get so caught up in our own lives that we're either too busy, too selfish or too judgmental to see the forest for the trees, to really see and understand what someone else is going through, or worse yet, to see it and just not care. I have been guilty of that on more than one occasion and I find it shameful. How many of us actually see the person standing right beside us or the boy who lives across the street, or the man in the wheelchair we pass by every day? A sad fact of life is that we as humans are a terribly selfish race. We do not care what effect our actions have on one another. We don't take responsibility for the things we do. Too much of the time we just plow through life with blinders on, not really seeing or feeling or living.

I have a wonderful friend who's a teacher at a high school in Tucson, Arizona. He is a very good friend of mine and I've always known he has a good heart. Sure he has his faults and made his share of mistakes just like everyone, but I can honestly say he is one of the truly good, kind hearted people in this world. I think he's a better person than he realizes and I was truly touched when I read this story.

The link below will direct you to the story of Christopher Porta a Senior at the Howenstine High Magnet School in the Tucson Unified School District and the hardships he's finding easier to overcome, thanks to the efforts of his teacher, Juan Urias. God bless you Juan, if only there were more teachers like you in the world!

http://www.azstarnet.com/sn/mailstory-clickthru/270633.php

Where's my Toby...

Sometimes I feel like this...and I wonder...where's MY Toby???

He Ain't Worth Missing ~ Toby Keith

He's flying high tonight
He's got a brand new lover
Here you come a-runnin'
You're looking for some cover
I know you're sad and lonely
I know you're feeling blue
You miss him so much
Oh let me get to close to you

Oh, he ain't worth missing
Oh, we should be kissing
Stop all this foolish wishing
He ain't worth missing
I know your head is turning
I know your heart is burning
Girl, you gotta listen
Don't you know he ain't worth missing

You know I'm here to save you
But you ain't through crying yet
Look at your pretty face
All red and soaking wet
I'm gonna try and make him
Just a memory
Come on baby, let's get started
First thing you got to see

Oh, he ain't worth missing
Oh, we should be kissing
Stop all this foolish wishing
He ain't worth missing
I know your head is turning
I know your heart is burning
Girl, you gotta listen
Don't you know he ain't worth missing

If you need someone to hold you
Someone to ease your pain
Well, I'll be holding steady
Girl when you get ready
I'm gonna show you
Love is a good thing

Oh, he ain't worth missing
Oh, we should be kissing
Stop all this foolish wishing
He ain't worth missing
I know your head is turning
I know your heart is burning
Girl, you gotta listen
Don't you know he ain't worth missing

Oh, he ain't worth missing
Oh, we should be kissing
Stop all this foolish wishing
He ain't worth missing
I know your head is turning
I know your heart is burning
Girl, you gotta listen
Don't you know he ain't worth missing

Just thought I'd try something new! ;)

For all you loyal listeners who actually enjoy the things I occasionally write, I thought I'd try out this site, dedicated to blogging. Normally I write blogs on My Space, but as of late I have become fed up with the whole My Space idea and have not really had much interest in maintaining or communicating via that venue. But as I do like to write and tell you folks about the silliness in my life, I thought I'd try this out. I can't promise I will write every day or every week even, but I occasionally find myself with thoughts and feelings and sometimes stories running about my head and at such times I feel the need to let them loose on paper. So, here is a place you can share with me my ramblings. Thanks for reading. Love to you all.