I am angry

I have been so angry for so long and I'm so, so, so sick of it. But at the same time I think I have a right to be angered by the events of my life. Some were beyond my control and some took their form as a result of decisions I made. But it's more than just being angered, I'm hurt and I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to care about any of this anymore. I want to be able to wash my hands of it and walk away. But that is easier said than done. How does one walk away from thoughts that plague ones mind? It's impossible to pick up and walk away from oneself.

I am angry at myself, yes, but more than that I'm angry with you and you know who you are. I am angry with you because you were wrong! I'm not angry with you for the mistakes you made, everyone makes mistakes, everyone causes pain. I'm angry with you for the way you handled it, or rather didn't handle it. I'm angry with you for making me feel guilty for being honest. Yes I made mistakes, I made a lot of them, but who is the bigger devil here? Me for my mistake in telling the truth or you in your mistake for telling the lie? Perhaps I should have hidden the truth from everyone, but is that not a lie in and of itself? Secrets. Yes, secrets are part of human nature, but secrets as big as these are tantamount to lying and that is something in which I do not believe and cannot stomach. You broke my heart and you didn't seem to care. Or maybe it was that you didn't see what you were doing, maybe you didn't see how your lies effected my life. But then am I being selfish? Perhaps so. But I have a right to believe that my friend, you, were being truthful with me. Do I not? No, not a right, an obligation. How can one call oneself a friend if one is always suspicious of another friend? That's not a friendship. So I believe, I believe with all that I am. I give, I give all that I am. And you take, you take all that I have. And then in the end when there's nothing left to take you throw it all back in my face. Yes, I said some terrible things to you and you likewise. But were those terrible things based in reality or fiction? It's hard to know from where things stem when one is angry and hurting. I suppose I should have handled things so differently. So, so differently. But I am a passionate person and like a spark to a flame, my temper was ignited. It is far easier to be angry and lash out violently than to admit hurt and pain. Because to admit to a broken heart is to admit defeat. And who among us wishes to be defeated?

As I write this I find myself, even still, lost for an explanation, for some way to make sense of it all. All I know is, it happened and there is no going back. Can these wounds be mended? Perhaps. Perhaps not. That is a question for which I do not have an answer. The only thing I know is something was broken and I've yet to find all the pieces and how can one mend, when one is missing a piece...of their heart, their soul, their life. Something is missing and I am angry...and so very lost.