I am not strong, nor am I brave and I have failed...this time. A person can only put their mind and body through so much before it breaks. It's important to know ones limits. I have for the time being, left this project in self improvement to be still and lye away from me. In the end it turned out to be too much for my mind and body to take. Withdrawals alone were simple, but the mind, the mind is a terrible thing. Adjustments, it's all about adjustments. Adjustments greater than my mind could deal with together. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't find relief, all I could do was cry. My sanity still wavers and walks a thin line between shattering at my feet and finding itself whole again. Only time will tell where I go from here. But this project is not finished and I will be back to complete my task and perhaps next time, I will prevail. One can say, I will do this, I can do this, over and over again, but sometimes mind isn't over matter and sometimes it's that one tiny little thing that can make you or break you. I don't want to be broken. But I'll come back to you, oh project of mine...but for now, be still and leave me in peace.

I Quit! ...And two makes five!

So I managed to make it through the weekend! Wow! The weekend wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. We moved last weekend and so this weekend was spent, unpacking, arranging and hanging and sweeping cleaning...so needless to stay I stayed very busy! Thank you to my wonderful family and friends...we got so much done these last two days. And even though there were some smokers in my presence they were wonderful about being discrete and to my surprise, it didn't bother me all that much that I couldn't go out and join them. Of course the fact that it was chilly aided in that comfort level, it was MUCH warmer indoors! ;) ... But I'm happy to say there are five smiley faces on my November "Quit" calendar...and I will be adding more in the days to come. Such a difficult journey for me. But I'll make it! Thanks to everybody for your help, love and support!

Love to you guys and God Bless! ;)

I Quit! The Journey Continues...

Day 3 

So today is yet another new day...I'm not feeling too bad today. I'm a little tired, and I've been struggling with my grumpiness. But I'm not feeling too bad. I still want a cigarette of course, but ... well, they tell me that may never go away, the cravings will be fewer and far between but will likely never go completely away...**sigh** oh well, it's something I'm going to have to live with. 

So I went to the chiropractor this morning. I always have trouble with my back but I'd been having some trouble with my ankle as well so I had him look at it when I went in this morning. Turns out I have tendonitis in my ankle! ha! Yet another thing I'll have to deal with...but such is life right? 

On the subject of smokers quitting smoking I've heard people say, 'I want to quit but the timing isn't right, I'm too stressed out right now.' ... but let's be honest...the timing will never be right. There will always be something that stresses us out. There will always be problems that though a cigarette will makes us think we feel better, it's just another problem lying in wait. So...quitting smoking is about learning to deal with those problems, face them head on WITHOUT smoking! Oh yes, a hard lesson...but the lesson is in the journey and I WILL MAKE IT! Oh yes I will. 

Tomorrow is yet another day! ;) woot! 

God Bless everybody...and Me.

I Quit! The Journey Continues...

Day 2:

Well it's about 20 after 10:oo in the morning and so far I'm doing pretty well! What a difference a day makes. Attitude helps of course, but waking up well rested and at my normal time did wonders. I had heard (and it says on the box) that people can have vivid dreams while wearing the patch at night, so I took mine off before bed; but I still had a some dreams ... not bad dreams, but not good either. I woke up at 3:30am to use the potty -- all the water!!! -- and after I went back to bed, I didn't dream anymore.

So today is much, much better. I'm noticing cravings more today than I did yesterday, but I'm not the emotional wreck I was yesterday; and I'm able to concentrate better today. So...today is indeed another day, and so much better than yesterday.

I'll keep ya posted! :)

I Quit! ~ A journey in strength ~

Today I'm 31 and some months old...and for the last 13 years or so I've been an on and off smoker...It's shocking to see in print that I've been doing this horrible thing to my body, mind and spirit for thirteen years. When it all first began, I thought, well, I'm not going to smoke forever. I'll smoke for a little while and then I'll quit. It can't be that hard. But it is hard, it is SO hard. Over the years I have tried to quit several times. I have tried cold turkey, I've tried quitting with the support of a group of my pears in the form of a Freedom from Smoking Class. The times I took the classes I was the most successful, and once I quit for 8 whole months. Why on earth I started again, I couldn't tell you. But...I've made the tough decision to quit again and this time I intend to stay quit...forever.

It's a hard decision to make, a cigarette, after all, is your friend, right? It's hard to remember how to not smoke. I've smoked for close to half my life! HALF my life! That's crazy! But there are so many reasons why, no matter how tough it is, quitting is the right decision. The health risks alone are staggering, but health risks aside there are a few other reason more specific to me that I have to consider. A quick run down are these; I hate the way smoking makes me smell. I hate that after I've had a cigarette I can no longer smell my perfume. I hate that it makes my hair smell and my clothes smell and my breath smell! It's horrible. Cigarette smoke does NOT smell good. It's horrible and it's disgusting. I hate how much it costs, trivial I know, but it's 5 or 6 dollars a pack, depending on where you buy them, and then if you smoke a half to a full pack a day, you multiply that by a week, then a month, then a year! Holy cow! You might as well be throwing your money down the toilet! The fact that in 20 or 30 more years I could have the skin of a smoker and the voice of a smoker...no thank you! I don't want to look like an 80 year old woman and sound like a man when I'm 50. Some other reasons are these...I joined a choir awhile back and lets just say, smoking does NOT enhance my ability to sing well; I have back problems, severe back problems, and smoking can aggravate back pain; I also have asthma, need I say more? So many reasons to quit and so many reasons to stay quit. Why did I start smoking again?

I'm writing this blog to save my sanity. This not smoking thing is wreaking havoc on my emotional stability. But...it's all worth it. And I will quit and stay quit. In this blog I will be cataloging each day and how I'm doing. I hope that you will read it, share your comments and most of all, NEVER start smoking...because quitting, is the hardest thing you'll have have to do. But I look forward to calling myself a NON - SMOKER!!


Day 1:
I woke up this morning pissed off! Why? Because I knew I couldn't smoke today. Normally I wouldn't have my first cigarette until late morning, and normally I never wanted one. But this morning, mainly because I knew I couldn't have one, I really, really wanted one and I was angry about...everything. We just moved and the house is in shambles, but even that isn't so bad, what pissed me off this morning was the cat. The cat who seems to have trouble adjusting. He woke me up at 530 in the morning yowling! And he was inconsolable and I was forced to wake before I needed to. So up I get at 530, I ate some breakfast and poured a cup of coffee, then went to get ready to head to my exercise class, which starts at 630, the whole time listening to the yowling cat who I had the urge to kick across the room (don't worry, I didn't kick him) ... I get ready to go, get in my car and head down the street and realize I left my coffee sitting on the counter...and no time to go back! Damnit! ... So now I am even more pissed off. When I get to my destination some ding dong parks his big ass truck in the drive in part of the parking lot, blocking a good chunk of the entrance - to top that off, the passenger opens his door, damn near right into my car! I holler a few well versed expletives at him as I drive by and find my way to a parking space. Once inside my Mother, who takes the class with me, decides its funny to make fun of me for my foul mood...nearly in tears I ask her to please not make fun of me...and all of this before 630 in the morning! Is this an indication of how my day will go? Oh joy.
...At work now, feeling less angry but still emotionally unstable. I've cried about four times today and it's not even noon! ... I'm wearing the patch, something I've never tried before, and I don't think it's working. Or maybe it is. I'm not getting a craving for a smoke, but I'm an effin emotional mess! ... I think for me, the hardest part is dealing with the emotional addiction. That is not going to be easy. And these patches? The adhesive is making me itch and I may not be able to continue wearing it...oh the day just keeps getting better and better... But for now, at least, I don't feel like crying...but I do feel like another cup of coffee...though I should really switch to water...yeah, we'll see how well THAT goes!
...
Anyway, wish me luck...lots and lots of luck...and for those of you who pray? ... Could you say some prayers for me? I'd love to get through this day without ripping anyone's face off or having any homicidal tendancies...yeah, being semi-normal, would be nice!

I'll keep you updated...tomorrow is another day. God Bless You ... and Me.